For many years now I have been struggling to cope with the way my mind works. I’m not going to sit here and say it’s hard being me but I find that the way I think about things and the way things affect me, it can be difficult to accept who I am or change to make myself a better person.
Self love is something that I know many people struggle with these days, mainly down to the appearance of celebrities and social media posts making it difficult to find beauty within ourselves. People who have self love I seriously am so incredibly jealous of you because I do believe that if for once in my life I actually loved myself, then life itself would be easier.
I find it hard to look at photos of myself and think ‘oh I look good’. I find it difficult to even sometimes eat chocolate because i’m worried about the effect it will have on my body (ONE BAR OF CHOCOLATE ISN’T GOING TO DESTROY YOU). I find it sad when I go out and constantly compare myself to the people around me, either friends or strangers.
Self love is something that I have gotten better at but I’m still soooo far away from achieving. Back in secondary school, my self love was appalling! I would cry all the time about the way I looked and how no boys ever fancied me (really NOT the end of the world btw) and how I didn’t look my age. It’s tough when you’re always surrounded by peers who are changing, growing, hair always looking flawless, the perfect tan, getting a beard, spots fading; whatever it may be! For me, my school years were not easy due to the way I felt within myself. However, I don’t even know when my self love started to improve – maybe when I started gym 3 years ago. I had goals I wanted to achieve, I have a place to let out any stress, I got a boyfriend who I could talk to about any issues and be reassured…I grew up. I matured and I realised that looks truly aren’t everything. Some of the prettiest girls I knew, are such horrible bitchy girls and tbh that seems like a recurring situation for others; I see so many tweets about how being the prettiest girl doesn’t mean you have a nice personality.
I can sit here and admit, I am not this stunning person where boys fall at my feet and I get DM’s every day on Instagram from boys wanting to chat to me, no, that is not the case. However, I remember the first few times I went out clubbing and I was like brilliant, all the boys will be round my friends and I’ll be that ugly duckling all alone. This wasn’t the case. I wont ‘toot my own horn’ but I received attention from boys, not just once but most times I’ve gone clubbing. Okay I hear you – boys in clubs go for anyone, maybe so, but for once it felt nice to actually receive some attention (not like I even accepted it because I have a boyfriend who I love deeply) so yes, I pushed them off or walk in another direction and YES, I am happy with my boyfriend and the attention he gives me, but from being someone who never felt good enough for anyone, then getting glammed up and going out to receive some looks or a little ‘touch’ here and there, it does boost you up.
I can sit here and type that I LIKE MY BODY. Never ever would I think I would be saying that. But god, sometimes I take some photos in a bikini or even my underwear (keep it PG) and I look at them and think ‘now I do look good’. Obviously it helps to receive compliments from my boyfriend but that isn’t SELF love. Self love is me 5 years ago hating the sight of everything I saw when I looked in the mirror, to now looking at my arse in some sexy underwear and actually wanting to show it off (respectively).
As I type this post, last time I was sobbing over how my face looks. I like my body, I still currently hate my face. So as I said, my self love is still in progress. I’ve had spots for 10 years now and I have tried so many different products and been under the doctors to help improve my skin and I’ve accepted that Georgia Louise Terry, you are going to have spots most likely for the whole of your life. Spots will not leave my face or my back no matter how many things I try or different tablets I put in me. Spots are there and have been there for ages. But then I sit there stressing over my spots (stressing creates more spots, vicious cycle) for my boyfriend to turn round and say how he prefers me without makeup. He likes me bare faced, he prefers that to me stuffing my face with foundation and powder. See, as I cry over my spots for the 23894395th time in my life, I think about how my boyfriend has accepted them before I even have. He loves me for my bare face. I need to love myself too. I need to love the fact I get to spend an extra 20 minutes in bed, I need to love the fact I don’t have to buy new makeup every so often spending £50 every time. I need to love my face the way I love my body. It’s hard, but I’m getting there…
Also I feel like with self love, the busier I am, the less time I focus on the way I’m looking. Yes I will sit in work and think ‘omg hes staring right at my new spot on my face’ BUT I CANNOT FUCKING HELP IT THAT IT’S ON MY CHIN GIVE A GIRL A BREAK. Just like I can’t help forcing my boyfriend to take bikini photos of me when we are on holiday so I can feel good about myself.
Self love isn’t all about loving the way you look. It’s about loving what you do and who you are. It’s about accepting the mistakes you make and learning from them. It’s about bettering yourself whenever you get the chance to. I would happily sit here and say I am a good girlfriend. But fuck me, there have been times where I’ve been a shit person to Joe and I really try hard to work on the way I handle situations to make our relationship better and make him feel better being with me. For example, I overthink LIKE CRAZY and I worry about every girl under the sun that is in Joe’s presence (h e l p). But, if I want a happy life with Joe or anyone for this instance, I can’t sit here and freak out every time a new girl starts at their workplace. I need to love myself for who I am and think that I am good enough for Joe to love me and trust him in only being interested in me.
I try to work on myself a lot because I know there are traits about me that are not okay to have and I know there is room for improvement and becoming a better human being. Another example, I used to join in with a gossip session just to find out what people really thought about a specific person (not in an evil way, lets be real we all do it because we want to find out as much as possible). But gossiping got me nowhere. It made me a horrible person to someone I actually like or don’t even know – how is that fair on the person being judged or spoken about. We have all gossiped in our life and it is a natural thing to do, sometimes we don’t even realise we are doing it. But I decided I’m going to create a less drama filled life by just going ‘hmmm’ or not saying anything in response to someone wanting some dirty bitch fest. Me now becoming a gossip free badass I HARDLY HAVE ANY DRAMA AND IT’S INCREDIBLE! I can go through my life not texting someone arguing about what I said or what they said.
Working on myself is something I’m very passionate about and try to succeed in everyday. There is so so much I need to still work on and as the days go by, there will be new challenges but I can happily say that from secondary school to now (20 years old), I am a better person and I am happy with the person I am becoming. It’s all about fighting with the negative side of your mind and thinking things through instead of just acting out. Take things step by step and try and always do the best and right thing.
Self love is hard, but take it from someone who never thought she’d post a bikini picture on Instagram. It gets better, it is achievable, fuck me it takes time, it can be fixed, it can be worked on, it is very draining, it is incredibly hard, but it is worth it. *L’oreal because you’re worth it*.